Bitterness

Its Poison. Slowly spreads in your system and consumer you entirely. May seems like the easy way out, helping us get through a trying situation, by playing the victim. Being bitter, being angry always seems like such a lucrative, comforting option. But oh what it does to you! To your soul, to your being. How it damages you, make you delusional, makes you even more bitter, even more angry.
Give me the strength to desist such a temptation. The strength to focus on all the good things I have in my life. I hope I can cleanse myself of all the bitterness, and be the person that I really am.

Lootera

Happiness is associated with such seemingly disconnected things that the mere discovery of the connection between the two itself becomes so fascinating.

Movies for instance. I've normally associated movies with entertainment and time pass. Sometimes when I watch a movie that I loved so much, it is a feel good factor. And there are so many things you can take in from a good movie about life itself. A movie that you connect with gives you joy, but I rarely ever had a conscious acknowledgment of it. Rarely enough that is, until yesterday.

Oh the movie that I watched yesterday! It flooded me with some strange happiness. Some sort of an elevated feeling. Oh what a wonderful feeling. I just didn't want it to stop. Ever.
And the happiness was not even because it was a happy story. It was the connection. It was that feeling of the movie having touched your inner self. That elevated feeling when you realize that some stranger out there can create something capable of giving you such extreme joy. There was something in it. The music, the acting, the cinematography, those scenes, that room, her hair, his smile, her eyes, the tree. All of it and something more. Like Magic. Something that you just embrace in your heart, that makes you cry like a baby, makes you a part of their life God! I'm finding it difficult to put into words what I felt watching it.
It is the joy in knowing that there are people out there who are like you. Who are moved by things that move you, who enjoy the things that you enjoy, who feel happy listening to the same music as you, no matter how silly all of this may seem to the majority of the people you know. It was such a sublime realization. Something that we knew all along in a different manner altogether. 
And wouldn't it just add to it all the more when those who are close to you feel the same about the movie. Unbound Joy!

A conscious choice

I lost my cool today. Said some things I now wish I hadn't. That shouldn't happen. No matter what others do, I should have control over my own self. There are many who deliberately say things to hurt you, who never look at their mistakes, who are always ever ready to blame others. There are people who think they are entitled to say hurtful things, but expect you to not say anything in return. Who no matter how much you do for them, always point out only your mistakes. Who are waiting for u to make a mistake so that they can think negative about you. That's just the way they are. That's how they have always been. If you let them get to you, you are going to be unhappy all your life. The only way you can be happy is by having control over your own self. I have to start doing that. There is just no other way.

I had absolutely no control over what I did. I only realized I said that after I did. I got so wild, so angry. Its scary. This has happened after a long time. It shouldn't happen again.

I can't cry

Some sort of perpetual pain, despair, disconnect. No sense of belonging anywhere. Lost amidst people, lonely in company. Looking for direction in all directions. There is a disconnect even within me. When i cry, the pain doesn;t reach my inner self. Its lingering on the exterior of my body. I don't even enjoy pain, or crying like I used to. My head seems to be in one direction, my thoughts in another. My head feels heavy all the time. My heart feels so heavy, like some weight is pressed against it. I am scared all the time. I don't know scared of what. Just scared. All the time. Upset, hopeless, lonely, lost. That is what i feel all the time. I don't know what to do anymore. Where to go, whom to talk to, how to deal with this. I don't even know what exactly i should deal with. I can't even talk to myself anymore. My conscience is hiding somewhere. I am not happy. I don't feel happiness. Its been so long since i have really laughed or enjoyed something without feeling pain within minutes after that. I just don't understand what i should do. Where i should go. Even if i die, what is the use of it? What is its purpose? I can't even talk to anyone about it. I can't find the words. I am always choked. Confused. Lost. I want to be able to atleast cry it out. Cry it out so intensely that i can feel it, and let it go. I am not even able to cry. What do i do?

Help. 

A Necessary Evil?

Not to rejoice on hearing the news of someone's possible death, even if he is an absolute stranger who has committed a gruesome act. I'm no one to decide who deserves death. But here, there is some kind of a relief, some sense of justice, something that will instill some kind of fear in people, specially those men who think there is no need to hide their monstrous urges when it comes to inflicting them on a girl.
On one hand this is what I feel, on the other, this line keeps recurring in my mind 'Before you criticize someone, remember, not everyone has had the advantages that you have had'. Its from The Great Gatsby. And its a beautiful quote. Those were young guys, who probably had no chance at having a good life. Many such people grow up not knowing what's right and what's wrong. Its very difficult to be righteous when you don't know that such a thing even exists. I don't know if they have any latent sense of humanity that has now awakened, and whether they regret all they did. Death in exchange for few hours of 'pleasure'.

I don't feel sorry for them. I'm a girl, I know what it feels like when an unknown man touches us by mistake, on road, or in bus or anywhere else. And if a man tries to grope us, or even reaches out to do that, its a terrible terrible feeling. Its such a sickening feeling, a feeling of anger, helplessness, sadness, murderous rage,  all coupled together. I can't even begin to imagine what a girl goes through when she is being raped. Its horrifying enough to think of it. And these guys not only raped her, all 6 of them, no one knows how many times each, they even brutalized her worst than any animal could. And then they tried to kill her. She died eventually. And raised in her death a huge furore. A call for justice. This is probably those few cases in which a sentence was pronounced this early. And everyone is rejoicing the death sentence passed. It is sad indeed when we have to do such extreme things to drive home the point that 'Raping is not acceptable', even if you think the woman 'asked' for it. I guess these punishments are what you call a necessary evil.
I only hope this sentence drives home a point. I hope that henceforth they stop to think before raping a girl, at least for fear of punishment. But most of all, I hope people eventually stop thinking about raping a girl, not for fear of punishment, but because its wrong. Its cruel and traumatic and scars their minds for life. I hope we all wake up. Soon.

Adbuus and Chimpayya

My dad's been running his garage for more than 30 years now. Its a huge part of his life. Ups and down have all come. Dad stuck to it. Worked so hard. Still does.

I visited him at his garage yesterday, and when I looked at that name board of his garage, it felt nostalgic. I remember seeing that same name board of his garage for as long as I can remember. Its probably as old as his garage itself. Simple looking board, but so nostalgic.

Also nostalgic in connection with his garage is Chimpayya. I recall seeing Chimpayya when I was a kid, taking a fancy to his name, calling it aloud and everybody nearby erupting in laughter. Growing up, I hadn't visited dad at his garage much, but still I've always heard his name from dad. He was a young man back then, now, he is with greying hair. Yesterday, when I went to dad's garage to pick dad up, he asked me to wait for a while as he was waiting for Chimpayya to come so that they could shut the shop. And suddenly, it occurred to me that 'Chimpayya' didn't make any sense as a name at all. What could that word even mean! So I asked dad, if his name  really was Chimpayya. Dad laughs and tells me that of course his name is not that! 'Chimpayya' evolved from the word 'Chinna Payya' which in Tamil translates to 'Small Boy'. He joined dad when he was a small boy, everybody started calling him 'Chinna Payya' which changed to 'Chimpayya', and that stuck. His name, was in fact Ravi.

God that was strange! It was so strange to know that there is this person who you've known for long, not very closely, but known, and you only discover now that u didn't even know his real name all this while. Also, I realised, Chimpayya was actually a small boy when he joined dad! That he's been associated with dad for almost 30years now! So many people have worked under dad. They came, they went. But only Chimpayya stayed. I don't know why, but he did. Dad and he have been part of each other's lives for 30years now. Which is longer than even I've known dad. What is even more interesting that I've hardly ever seen dad and him talking much, or sharing a joke. Its like they have some silent understanding between themselves which even they are not aware of.

Chimpayya, Respect.
And my dear Adbuus, I love you so very much.

The Child in me.

I have a few uncles who adored me when I was a kid and didn't have much liking to me as I grew up. I have heard I was this petite, shy, playful and sometimes bashful kind of a kid who would almost always nod her head to everything one would say, and chat away happily with people I knew. I remember how baffling it was for me, when suddenly, those uncles who I adored in return, changed towards me. I thought it was because they couldn't handle the fact that I have started having an opinion of my own. Which might have been true for all I know, but can I really blame them for it?

It all is coming into my head now, unravelling itself. I think that is because I now have nieces and nephews of my own who I adore and love and cherish with all my heart. I just love that I can lose it all in front of them. That I can dance, limping all the way when I'm with them. That I can make stupid, funny unrelated sounds when I'm telling them a story. That I can actually make them sit on my lap and tell them all the problems I'm having because they don't understand a word of it. I love it that I can hug them anytime I want. That when I'm badly in need of a hug, if not anyone else, I have their tiny little bodies to seek refuge in. Don't you see? They're like my bestest bff!

Isn't it the best part of children that they have no opinion, whether prejudiced or not, about others. Isn't that what makes them so divine? It is. And as my nieces and nephews grow up, even I may not be as comfortable doing all these silly things with them. I pray pray pray that I still could. But I doubt if that's entirely possible. As you grow up, as you gain exposure you start processing things in your minds, you start developing opinions of your own. How comfortable would I be losing it all? Maybe that's what my uncles felt too. But whatever happens, how much ever we grow up, it is so essential to retain that child in us. Because as many opinions as we may have, it is not necessary to rub it into someone's face. Sometimes an opinion may not even be necessary. But the child in us, Is.

I love the child in me. I cherish it. I take pride in it. It gives me happiness. The kind of happiness that fills your heart and makes you fly. That kind. I definitely don't want to lose it. Ever.

Now, with Time.

They say that their is no cure like time. That time heals everything. That when in future you turn back and look, this will be nothing but a speck in the canvas of your life. That with time, any problem, however big it may have seemed to be, you learn to deal with it.
With Time.
With time, you forget.
With time, you forgive.
With time, you move on.
But what about now?
What do you do now when you feel that there is no way that you can ever deal with this.
That this will leave a deep scar in your heart.
That you won't recover from this.
What about Now?
What about this moment?
What about that crushing pain in your heart?
That lost feeling in your head.
That desperation in your soul.
That helplessness in every inch of your body.
How do you deal with Now?
When even you do not believe the assurances you are giving yourself.
What do you do NOW?

Give me the Strength

Give me the strength to get through this. Unscathed. Stronger as a person. Enough of these sleepless nights, crying into the pillow. Give me the strength to take this leap of faith. To have the belief in myself. Give me the strength, all of what I need and much more. I hope it is for the good.
Nobody wishes to live like this. Every time that I used to be down, the only thing that kept my spirits up was the belief that I had a shot at the future. That I had a future to look forward to. A future different than the present. Better than the present. A future in which I lived life the way I have always wanted to. And when you then see that you are walking right into a future no different than your present, then its time to run away. To take that leap of faith. I have been thinking about this a long time now. But each time I'd think that it needs some more time, that things will change in some more while. But I think not. It hasn't. In all probability it will not.

We often make mistakes in our life. Often learn from it. Give me the strength to learn from it. Give me the courage to take this leap of Faith.

Shake a leg baby!

I'm surrounded by kids at my place. In total, cousins and their children excluded, I have right now 4 in-house kids, with two more on their way. And how I love it! The pure joy of playing with them all together. Playing their games, running behind them, tickling them, throwing them up in the air, annoying their mums by teaching them silly habits, having meaningful conversations with them, conversations ranging from their friends, to my friends, to cricket, even about our dear god. How I love that!
And you know what I love the most? I love dancing with them. Like nothing else. Put me in a room with my nieces and nephews, with music, lock me away! I dance my heart out. Normally when I'm dancing, I'm worried about whether my step is right, worried if its looking awkward, wondering if it really is as graceful as it seems to me. But here, the more I get my steps wrong, the more they enjoy :-D So what's to worry about, they don't care how close your steps are to the ones they see on tv. No they don't. Make it slapstick, they jump with joy! Miss a step and fall down, they roll on the floor laughing! Dance with your limbs pointing towards all possible directions, and see them try that earnestly! And then falling on the floor laughing together. I'm no expert when it comes to dance at all, but this, to me is the best form, best style, best genre, best troupe of dancing. This is dancing in its truest form, its truest purpose. Dancing For Joy.

What would I do if money was no object?

Yesterday I came across Times Now's Amazing Indian Awards. To see so many people working so earnestly towards issues close to their Heart is so heartwarming. Their work is something that really does matter. Something that is affecting lives, changing people, making a difference. Instead of just sitting in a cubicle, typing away things you know nothing about into the computer, while trying to convince yourself that your work is substantial. No its not. Maybe the money that it brings is, but your work Is not. It does not matter if its u or some one else is typing into it.

When we are kids, we have a million different dreams of what we want to be, each one decided by our happiness, and our interest during that particular time alone. I for one wanted to be a Social Worker, a Doctor, an Astronaut, a Politician, a Farmer, a Traveler, Psychiatrist, be a part of the government. Some other times I've just wanted to help people around me, be a mentor, a teacher and go to villages and help making their lives better. That's one distinct dream that I remember I had. Back then I knew what I want to do, I knew where my happiness lies. Unfortunately for now, we are so hung up about its scope, the money it brings, the pressure involved, the time that it takes to be successful. No wonder a Job is Work.
What would you do if money was no object? What would I do if I didn't have to worry about money? Well, for starters, I think I'd first realise my dream of owning a farm, raising food and leading a sustainable life. Then I'd go travelling to different places and record my travels. Savour their food in every corner of the world. Meet new people, learn about different new things. I would be part of the government, helping in actual materialisation of its various different projects and initiatives. I would sponsor and mentor children towards a better life. I would learn to ride horses. Go swimming in the sea. I would grow trees all around my house and tie hammocks on them. I would go to the top of a cliff, alone, and sit there, staring out. That's what I would do.