I can't cry

Some sort of perpetual pain, despair, disconnect. No sense of belonging anywhere. Lost amidst people, lonely in company. Looking for direction in all directions. There is a disconnect even within me. When i cry, the pain doesn;t reach my inner self. Its lingering on the exterior of my body. I don't even enjoy pain, or crying like I used to. My head seems to be in one direction, my thoughts in another. My head feels heavy all the time. My heart feels so heavy, like some weight is pressed against it. I am scared all the time. I don't know scared of what. Just scared. All the time. Upset, hopeless, lonely, lost. That is what i feel all the time. I don't know what to do anymore. Where to go, whom to talk to, how to deal with this. I don't even know what exactly i should deal with. I can't even talk to myself anymore. My conscience is hiding somewhere. I am not happy. I don't feel happiness. Its been so long since i have really laughed or enjoyed something without feeling pain within minutes after that. I just don't understand what i should do. Where i should go. Even if i die, what is the use of it? What is its purpose? I can't even talk to anyone about it. I can't find the words. I am always choked. Confused. Lost. I want to be able to atleast cry it out. Cry it out so intensely that i can feel it, and let it go. I am not even able to cry. What do i do?

Help. 

A Necessary Evil?

Not to rejoice on hearing the news of someone's possible death, even if he is an absolute stranger who has committed a gruesome act. I'm no one to decide who deserves death. But here, there is some kind of a relief, some sense of justice, something that will instill some kind of fear in people, specially those men who think there is no need to hide their monstrous urges when it comes to inflicting them on a girl.
On one hand this is what I feel, on the other, this line keeps recurring in my mind 'Before you criticize someone, remember, not everyone has had the advantages that you have had'. Its from The Great Gatsby. And its a beautiful quote. Those were young guys, who probably had no chance at having a good life. Many such people grow up not knowing what's right and what's wrong. Its very difficult to be righteous when you don't know that such a thing even exists. I don't know if they have any latent sense of humanity that has now awakened, and whether they regret all they did. Death in exchange for few hours of 'pleasure'.

I don't feel sorry for them. I'm a girl, I know what it feels like when an unknown man touches us by mistake, on road, or in bus or anywhere else. And if a man tries to grope us, or even reaches out to do that, its a terrible terrible feeling. Its such a sickening feeling, a feeling of anger, helplessness, sadness, murderous rage,  all coupled together. I can't even begin to imagine what a girl goes through when she is being raped. Its horrifying enough to think of it. And these guys not only raped her, all 6 of them, no one knows how many times each, they even brutalized her worst than any animal could. And then they tried to kill her. She died eventually. And raised in her death a huge furore. A call for justice. This is probably those few cases in which a sentence was pronounced this early. And everyone is rejoicing the death sentence passed. It is sad indeed when we have to do such extreme things to drive home the point that 'Raping is not acceptable', even if you think the woman 'asked' for it. I guess these punishments are what you call a necessary evil.
I only hope this sentence drives home a point. I hope that henceforth they stop to think before raping a girl, at least for fear of punishment. But most of all, I hope people eventually stop thinking about raping a girl, not for fear of punishment, but because its wrong. Its cruel and traumatic and scars their minds for life. I hope we all wake up. Soon.