Life is neither fair nor does it run on any logic.

Or should I say Death. Nothing spells STOP like death. One day you're here, next day no more. I lost my Cousin. My handsome beautiful cousin. He left from his tuitions to grab some lunch and he never came back. A truck hit their car. Safwan, I cannot bring myself to believe that I'm not gonna see you anymore. Not going to listen to your voice, hear u say 'So What' every time that we pull your leg. I can't believe I'm here at your place, and that we're not going to have a conversation, go roaming like we always did. I can't accept that. I haven't even cried enough bcz I can't believe its true. My heart cringed after seeing u at the mortuary, I believed then, but now, not any more. All I can picture is your smiling face. Your voice. You as you were..
Why does this happen? He would've had so many plans. So many dreams. So many wishes. He wanted to be a doctor. His room was scattered with all his books which he probably thought to come back and resume studying that evening. He had small notes stuck all over his room so that he can remember important points in his exam, his contact lenses were lying there, so were his clothes. His school pictures. Everything.
Its just not fair. He din even get a chance at anything. I'm really confused about what our lives are about at the end. What is the purpose of it? Why do some people die like this? Why did he not get a chance at anything at all. Its so not fair.
I wonder where you are Safwan. I wonder what was going through your mind when you realized you were dying. Did you realise you were breathing your last? Did you think it was unfair too? Safwan do you see how much we grieve for you? Do you see how much we miss you? Do you see how your father, who is so strong of a person breaks down every night thinking about you? How your mum gets reminded of your every little small detail of yours every other minute and starts crying again? How she is refusing to eat what was your favourite dish because she just can't stand looking at it? Please come back Safwan. Somehow, just come back. I so wish all this was a bad dream. That I'd wake up back at my place, and call you up and talk to you. Make a trip to here so that we can all go roaming like we did. Just come back..

There are no Free Lunches ;)

I graduated in 2011. Worked for a year, and now basically at home. Although the intention with which I quit was to prepare for my higher studies. Which clearly is not happening! Lemme tell you how my work was. It was nothing. There was nothing to do! We had two months of training, following which we were on bench for almost three months. Then into a project which had no work. Sort of lucky to get paid for no work, isn't it? But everything has its flipside. It imbibed into me so much of laziness and inactivity, it totally caught me unawares. While I must have been using my free time to study and realise my dreams, studying certainly din't happen. In fact even today, I wonder what the hell did I do with my time those days?! I totally can't recall what I did with my time! Unbelievable!

One things is for sure, that I did nothing. How is it possible that you could do nothing at all for such a long time and not realise it. I guess that's because life was a song. Go to office, sit at your cube(and I had a single cube at that), and browse. That's all I recall doing. But I can't recall something good coming out of it. Except of course earning some money. Well that spoiled me a wee bit, and now I'm finding it so so difficult to get myself to do even the teeniest bit of work. Be it waking up early in the morning, getting myself to sit and study or even work on my body. Not surprisingly I put on a lot lot lot of weight in the meantime.

Now what boggles me even more, is that not only have I become lazy, I have been unconcerned about these things. I do realise how it affects my life, how it has changed me for the bad, and I do realise how I ought to be workin my head off to compensate for all the bad it did me. But, I have never done anything towards it. Not one thing! If anything, I have put on more weight, become even more lazy, and as close as my exams are approaching, I don't see myself sitting down with my books.

Now what's the solution? I have been ranting about this process of rediscovering myself. I see myself bringing up that phrase so often that now I've begun wondering if its something that I have been hiding under. Well.. I don't know. I don't know what it is. What I do know is that it's time to stop giving all reasons, and excuses and get to work. And soon. Every moment lost is going to count. And considering the amount of time that I have lost, I better get started soon. The numbers definitely are Huuuuge!