Reconciliation

Even after 3 days now, it is not easy to reconcile with the fact that you are dead. Its hard to imagine that you have ceased to exist. That your body has probably begun its process of decomposition and that slowly you will wither out of even physical existence and linger only in memories, anecdotes and photographs. Even today as I realized that I’m running out of shampoo, my mind made a mental note of telling it to you so that you could buy one for me on your way back home. I can't come to terms with the fact that the very reason that these guests are pouring in, or that we are all here, is because you are no longer alive. Your father called out your name instead of Munawar's today. I can't begin to imagine how his heart would have cringed at the realization that no one is ever going to answer that call. Even as I think of you, the things that we spoke, or ever your mere face, I can't come to terms that it no longer exists.

I feel terrible Muja. Terrible and ashamed that I could do nothing to ease your pain, that I was here, I saw that you were troubled, and yet did not bring up the matter. That despite us being there, you felt that such extreme despair and hopelessness. That truly is a mark of shame for us. I have been a comfort to others and not to my own brother. This fleeting emotion passes away only to persistently return and haunt.

And the worst part is that there is nothing that can be done about this. We can only live immersed in this guilt and wait for time to slowly evaporate it away. I still can’t digest it Muja. If only there were some way that you would return, if only there was some way for us to show to you that not all is lost yet, that there still is hope. I know how futile it is even as I am thinking it, but I can’t help think about that. I can’t get it in my head that its now just too late to even make amends.